9021-NO

Thoughts on tonight's 90210 premiere:

The show opens rather tritely with Coldplay's "Viva La Vida." Namely, the lyrics "I used to rule the world" heavy-handedly foreshadow the arrival of 2008's version of Brenda and Brandon. They are Annie and Dixon Wilson, and they're from Kansas instead of Minnesota.

Oh, and Dixon is black. Huh?

I love that there is finally a non-white lead (FINALLY), but the adopted son premise is farcical. Farcical, I say! Ugh. Why not just have a black family on the show somewhere? Stupid.

The only thing more ridiculous is that Aunt Becky is New Brenda and New Brandon's mom, and she is a fashion photographer. From Kansas. Truly Laugh[lin]able!

Then there's the ever-cliched alcoholic mother-in-law who hates her daughter-in-law. So cliche that it's cleeshay. Yaaawwwn.

Ok. Things get a little better. MGMT's "Kids" plays in the background. Nice.

Nope. Things get worse. Melrose Place's Rob Estes, the father of New Brenda and New Brandon, is the new principal of West Beverly Hills High. WTF? I'm going to call him Mr. Belding.

And, looky here, Kelly Taylor is the guidance counselor. I knew this, but it's still bizarre.

Ahh, New Brandon is in journalism class! I wonder if he's going to fight a New Andrea for the editor-in-chief position later!

Oh, boo. There is no fortysomething playing New Andrea. There is no New Andrea at all.

Instead there is Navid Shirazi, the second token not-completely-white person on the show. At least Navid makes sense. Actually, he's perfect. A show about Beverly Hills really isn't accurate if there are no Persian people on it. If you lived here, you'd agree. Good job, show runners!

Now who is this sullen bitch seemingly befriending New Brenda? It's none other than Kelly Taylor's and David Silver's little half-sister who answers to...Silver. Hi-ho, Silver! Surly Silver says to New Brenda, "You'll learn to dig me. Just wait."

Hmm. We'll see about that.

And now there is Blonde Superbitch. Ugh. Hate her. Love to hate her already. Of course, she becomes New Brenda's first "friend." We all know how this is gonna go.

OMG! It's Joe E. Tata fumbling with an espresso machine! I can't believe he is still alive and at the Peach Pit. He's, like, 103 years old. But he's still younger than John McCain! Amazing!

New Brandon tries out for lacrosse. It is fabulous to see a black dude tear up the field. Still can't believe the way they got a black guy on the show was to have him be adopted. Really? Is this really the story?

Old Flame (who happens to be Blonde Superbitch's mom) flirts with Mr. Belding. Mrs. Fashion Photographer Belding gets angry. "I can drive you home, and we can swap stories about Harry's penis!" So weird. The dialogue on this show is painful. Not at all clever like my beloved Gossip Girl. These lines are actually hurting me.

Some respite at last -- I hear strains of The Ting-Tings "Shut Up and Let Me Go."

Then there is Silver's blog, aptly called The Vicious Circle. When Kelly Taylor tells Silver that her blog is a terrible thing, Silver responds, "That's what a blog's supposed to do -- cause problems."

Hmm. Still on the fence about this Silver chick.

The kids are romping in the ocean off the Santa Monica Pier. Cleeshay! Again!

New Brenda says to Surly Silver re the blog, "It's kind of mean. It makes me feel like I can't tell you stuff!" Duh. You can't, New Brenda! Even people in Kansas are shouting at you now through the screen. You make Wichita look dumb.

This show is dragging. Gah. Jetsetter takes New Brenda on a whirlwind trip to San Francisco. Snoozer. It's time for me to play Scramble on Facebook.

Brenda! Brenda! Brenda! Ahhhhhh! Excitement over. Nothing happens. Letdown.

Pig prank. I am bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Blonde Superbitch and Lacrosse Asshole drink and hook up. Match made in nasty hell.

It is revealed that Blonde Superbitch and Silver are ex-BFF -- with matching tramp stamps! Like we didn't see this one coming. This is beyond predictable.

And not in a good way.

"They're my pigs, sir. They respond when called by their names." Did you really just say that, Navid? I feel sorry for everyone on this show.

I don't get this Ethan guy. What's the allure? Is he supposed to be Dylan? Not cute. Not a bad boy. Lame. You stupid show, you have sucked all the energy out of me.

"I'm just trying to figure out when to be your dad and when to be your principal." Poor Mr. Belding, the lines you have to recite...I cry for you.

Awkward Crow when Scruffy Teacher comes to Kelly's doorstep. Like flailing and fluttering awkward.

Mr. Monkey continues to wince, as he has since about two hours ago. He is not really watching but is, rather, the unwilling victim of sitting next to me while I rot my brain with this crap. Sorry, Mr. Monkey.

Jetsetter sneaks in for a kiss with New Brenda. Ethan looks on jealously with a stuffed octopus toy. Yeah, it's not just you. It doesn't make sense, and I watched the whole damn two hours.

This show sucks. I don't know if I can do this next week. Dejected.